How to deal with someone returning to work after losing a loved one
In this blog I write about grief.
Grief is a huge part of my story.
It will also (if it hasn’t already) form a part of yours one day.
And yet it’s something that as a society and as a workforce, we’re really badly equipped at dealing with and talking about.
So part of my mission is just that. To talk about it. Openly. Vulnerably. In the hope that it can help you help someone out that you might know is dealing with grief right now. Or that it might help you understand it better for when your time comes.
So let’s tackle grief in the workplace. How do you even deal with someone who has lost someone, when they’re at work?
1. Talk to them.
Whenever they return after their leave of absence (which will very much depend on who they have lost, how they lost them, and your own work policies around time off), talk to them. Welcome them back. Ask how they’re doing (and be prepared for an honest answer and / or tears and / or the fake “I’m fine”). But please don’t treat them as someone you don’t know what to do with. Yes, yes, yes you feel uncomfortable approaching them. But please try and get over your OWN feelings of discomfort so that you can make the grieving person feel MORE comfortable. It’s the very least you can do.
2. Their return could go one of two ways.
The first way is that they will want to come back, they will welcome the distraction and they will throw themselves back into work with the vigour of someone demented. They are in survival mode and are doing everything they can to distract themselves (consciously or unconsciously) from the reality at hand. Go with it, and also be easy on them. However hard they might insist they’re OK (they’re not) and that they want to take on more, be gentle with their grieving brain, for it is doing all it can right now to get them through each day.
OR
They return to work before they’re ready or because they don’t have any more time off and they fall apart. They’re only at work because they HAVE to be at work. They’d much rather be hiding under their duvet with a box of tissues and not facing their close family and loved ones, let alone some random colleague. Go easy on their broken hearts, ease them in gently. Give them one small task and accept their submission with thanks and appreciation. They have literally given it half a brain cell, for the rest of their brain is trying to make sense of what’s just happened.
3. Talk about their loved one that’s died.
You may or may not have known their person. Ask about them anyway. But whatever you do, DO NOT make it about you or how you felt when your pet cat died when you were 12. Please.
Ask them if they feel comfortable talking about their person. And then ask them some questions about them, what’s their favourite memory, what did their person like doing, etc.
You might not realise it, but talking about their loved one brings great comfort. It isn’t going to make them any more upset, it’s only going to bring them some solace and comfort that you’re interested in their person. Believe me on this one.
4. The dreaded tears / snot / meltdown.
Tears and crumbling are simply the expression of emotion. If it makes you feel uncomfortable to see someone cry - get over it. Seriously. Allow them to cry, offer them a tissue. Hold space for them. And for gods sake take them to a more private room if this happens in the middle of the open plan office. Show compassion. Or at least go and find someone that knows them and CAN offer some compassion. This means simply sitting with them, telling them you’re there (no offers of advice or trying to distract them, just be…) and allowing the tears to fall, snot to drip and crumbling to crumble.
What they’re showing here is love. Pure love. That they no longer can show to their person. Allow it. Be OK with it.
5. Be patient with them and know that grief is forever.
It is highly likely that the brain of your employee or colleague who has returned after the death of someone they love will not function in the same way that it did before. It simply won’t. Perhaps not for a very long time. If ever. Lower your expectations. Have regular, honest feedback sessions with them (and bring up the grief, don’t gloss over it). Be aware that one day they might feel great, on top of the world and like it barely happened, and the next they could be barely able to function. Grief is unfussy in how it affects it’s victims, and this can be from moment to moment.
6. Make a note of dates.
There will be key points and milestones in the first year particularly that feel very difficult for your employee or colleague. Their loved ones birthday. Their own birthday. Anniversaries (especially wedding if they’ve lost a spouse). And of course the dreaded anniversary of their death. Make a note of as many of these dates as you can (ask them yourself) and make allowances. Offer an afternoon off. Suggest they take some annual leave. Ask if they’d like to go for a walk.
Showing kindness, that you’ve remembered and are giving them the space they need on those days will go a long way in terms of how you make them feel.
And it’s not just the first year either. Yes the first milestones can be hard but in fact the realisation of it coming around AGAIN? Even tougher….
In essence, when you’re dealing with someone returning after the death of their person - be kind. Offer compassion. Get comfortable with feeling uncomfortable. Be there. Hold space. Dates. Tissues. Their brain has changed. Go easy.
And if you can do half of this semi well - they will remember big time for your kindness during this difficult time. And they will pour it back into you when your time comes tenfold. Because they get it.
Has this blog helped you understand from the returners point of view? I’d love to know any challenges you’ve faced with a grieving colleague. I’m happy to answer any questions (all from my own personal experience or the experience of others I’ve spoken to at length about this).
WIth love and compassion, always
Lou
Let me know how this lands and get in touch if you want more advice in this area.
